So You Want to Get Married

In honor of my friends Jessica and Nate getting married this weekend, I thought it appropriate to share some much-warranted advice from So! You Want to Get Married! (1947) as shared by The Hairpin.

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So You Want to Get Married 1
First things first. Did he ask your father for your hand in marriage? Did he go straight to the top and ask God? If not, why not? Perhaps you want to rethink marrying such a soulless, father-hating creep.

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So You Want to Get Married 2

This one’s easy: Are you a filthy whore? Check yes or no.

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So You Want to Get Married 4

And finally, there’s the issue of how to keep that ol’ spark alive.

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Personally, I hope never to see the words “love-making” and “sour cream” used together ever again.

Congrats Jessica and Nate! And thanks to Bridget for the link!

Leapin’ for the Altar

Ladies, rev your engines! It’s Leap Day, and you know what that means: It’s the one day out of every four years that you can ask a man to marry you and not seem like a wayward whore. 

In a custom that dates back to 5th-century Ireland, folks thought of Leap Day as a day that was sort of beyond the law. Tradition was out the window, and it became a veritable Wild West of love, ladies and gentlemen. You see, during leap years (but particularly on Leap Day), it was fine for a woman to act the aggressor. As one Irish site put it, “Consequently, women who were concerned about being ‘left on the shelf’ took advantage of this anomaly and proposed to the man they wished to marry.”

Not a love match? Then the fella better prepare to pay up. In 1288, Scottish law was supposedly passed stating that a woman could propose marriage in leap years, but if she was turned down, the man owed her a kiss, a silk gown, or a pair of gloves (take the dress!). In Denmark, scorned ladies came away with a dozen pairs of gloves.

Ladies lying in wait.

Men, it’s time for you to slug back a Leap Year highball, and get ready to grin and bear it. Happy Leap Day!

(Thank you to Bridget for the tip! And happy birthday to Lori!)

American Men: Chumps

“American men have been raised on a fiction: that American women are soft, feminine and alluring. They forsake the freedom of single bliss and the grubby affairs in motels and automobile back seats for the fantasy that is held up on all sides of soft female flesh, partially hidden by a sheer black negligee; sex on silken sheets with a perpetually young and sylphlike wife with red lips and nails by Revlon and hair always in place by Toni. They dream of gay, perfumed nights of love courtesy of Sortilege.

Even before the honeymoon is over, the sucker discovers that in marrying an American woman, he sold himself into bondage to a domineering, sexless individual who regards marriage as a contest with a husband to see who is going to be the boss. And the poor chump always loses.”

Women Confidential

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Them’s the breaks.

By the by, I had to look up Sortilege — while the author is probably talking about having a gay time (ahem) with the Canadian brand of whiskey/maple syrup liqueur, I’m choosing to believe he meant the ’80s French heavy metal band.

Tips for Single Women

Single women, take heed! It’s because you sit awkwardly and are familiar with the head waiter that you cannot ensnare a husband!

This link contains a helpful illustrated list of dos and don’ts for the single gal of 1938. Good luck, ladies!
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Don’t do this.


(photos via the fantastic Retronaut)

Spankings All Around!

“Women have been freed from the cookstove and the nursery. But they cannot be freed from the physical facts of life. Careers are only for the few who are career-minded and career-able. At that, many a career woman would gladly chuck it all for a man with guts enough to lift her over his knee and spank her roundly on the buttocks.”

–Women Confidential

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.Sounds like a dare to me.

Now, Where Did I Leave My Femininity?

“While women have always been the aggressors — in a highly hidden non-aggressive way — the shortage of males now makes it even more necessary for them to become more predatory in seeking males on the make. Her entire role in life is to snare him into marriage or otherwise — failing which she becomes a career woman. Many women who have successfully snared also become career women after discovering that what they’ve snared isn’t a man. Many who begin as career women also get married, hoping to become women again. Usually they don’t.”

–Women Confidential

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Okay, let me break this down for you:

1. Women are passive-aggressive predators.

2. Women trap men and force them into marriage.

3. Failing this, she will get a job.

4. If she succeeds, she gets to retain her womanly status and is saved from facing the cruel working world by her manly husband.

5. Unless he’s a total gay.

6. Women who are married AND also have a career have somehow misplaced their femininity.

7. Probably while shopping. Ha ha! Women, amiright??